WHOA, How Could I Have Forgotten... THIS!!!

Sloth. Bad -- fat kid saving- Mutha humpa

Things I Want Redux

Um... This:

That's right an LED light for your faucet. Gangster.

and what's a USB port without a little dog hump action?

Yes, it does has hump action.

















And this one's for Jeremy over at Afterglide who insists I don't have enough poop or boobs in my blog. I like this product, but I'm not sure it would necessarily stop everyone - u know who u r. It may give them pause.... but I'm not convinced it's 100% foolproof. Too bad they don't make one for people, we could secure Ang in it, as it sounds she's had some Right Shenanigans goin on over at de Casa.

Chop Suey!! It's -47!!

Well ya'll are off the hook for patio night tonight. I think we said no hot tubbing if it dips below zero. Also I've been spending some quality birthday hours with this guy:

Thankfully we took care to celebrate early and had stomping good timez at the Stockcar Named Desire show as evidenced later on.

So I'm 35. I'm pretty sure that when they said that the college years are the "best years of your life" they were wrong. I don't remember much of my college years. And the 30's... well frankly, they've been kicking ass. Also, so far, my boobs haven't fallen. I get down on my knees and pray to the Lord for that fact every day. Thank you Lord Jesus for these wonderful boobs that make up for my lack of speech filter.... sometimes.

DisGruntled Birthday Girl Plans Own: Dirty Lowdown Birthday Bash 08!

Why am I disgruntled? Well many reasons

1) There's still 7 days until banana cake

2) I had to plan my own party (well and D. Hench's too--I mean I was the first person to actually see him naked, since Dr. Ridalen had a double shot of H babies that night. I have to say... since Jan. 31, 1973, not much about Darryl has changed)

3) Adult Competitive Sledding is not involved; and lastly

4) I suck when it comes to creativity.

So if you laugh at this map.* Do it behind my back. All of my GD friends were too busy to help me. And When I say "GD" you might think I mean God Damn (and i Do) but it's Graphic Designer friends, who are also damned by God. My talents uh... runneth deep-- just not in a graphically or designically sense.

Just one thing.... TAKE MY PHONE AWAY. For the love of all things holy.

I expect a double shot of Schwing, One Cline, One tall TALL girl, one pervy Asian Chick, my brothers and one hot sister-in-law, and anybody else who likes my birthday. You DO know it's the same as DICK Cheney, Christian Bale, Phil Collins...and best of all Mr. Royal Tennenbaum. What's not to celebrate?

Dirty D--it's your birthday too. Slap on a shower and that lady friend and rock.

The Dirty Lowdown:
Club Jaeger at 8:00. After that. Stasiu's.
From there, I'm guessing the Deuce and/or Gasthof/Grumpy's -- depending on my disposition. As my birthday gift from you all, I expect you to assess this wisely.

*Knock off the smirking about my map and click the filth-flarin thing.

Warning Germans. A Solo Hanson (Oh snap, I'm Totally HANS SOLO!!) Will Be Defiling Your Sensibilities Yet Again This Year.

Dearest Deutschland:

Please prepare me your Starkbier. Round up the Donar Kebob. Save me a spot on the train to Stuttgart. Warm up your engines and prepare to scare the BeJeezuz out of me in the mountains. Please have one or two drei Stueck in Weckla on the ready for my arrival.

I will be traveling solo Deutsch (can I call you that? I mean, we've been friends for years now, but I'll understand if Herr Deutschland is more appropriate, or even Herr Vaterland--just let me know if I'm out of line).

I yearn for your funny oxymoronic signage. I've grown listless from a lack of your pickled cabbage and my God in Heaven am I tired of speaking ENGLISH! CRIPE!

To the Family Schwaebe. Bring out the key, lock Grampa away for Schlumpf kommt weider. Go to that store where they have the Weissbeir and Grappa, and rob it. Rob it blind, for soon we shall put little Red Cheeks to Shame.

Hot Heaven on a Plate!!! UTF (Ultimate Tot Fest)

I've been searching all my life for you, my little potato soul-mates. My life -- friends-- is now complete. Courtesy of a far away Place called Lucky's Pub in Mendota, MN.*

These little gems are filled with some sort of herbed cheese.



*size and position of said tots not at all coincidental

UNLIKE CREEPY DUDES, MYTHICAL CREATURES NEVER ESCAPE ME

I just found this little gem in a random pile of pictures at home. It certainly seems that I fear the back of no animal.

No wonder they took down the Jackalope at Club Jäger shortly after I started making regular appearances. Christ on a bike! (or Jackalope...)


It started long ago...

Texas . . .

In case there was any question.

Ripping the Happy Hour Cord

It's Wednesday. I think one of our resolutions for 08 was to try our best to have a Wednesday Night HH at a new locale, or at least find a few new haunts. As in, places that I we haven’t worn out our welcome with.

That being said, as much as I'd like to try something new... it IS David Bowie's birthday and there IS a firepit at Club Jaeger and it IS Transmission night. All things that make me flitter like a bunny on crack. Best of all . . . we're still welcome there.

But people, I'm at a loss for great new "Screw this Week! Wednesday HH " hereinafter referred to as "STWWHH" locations. Seriously, don't tell me to try some huety-tuety, craptacular place that a) people will stare if don't have my laptop bag with me b) wonder why I'm wearing comfort shoes or c) doesn't have tator tots (willing to negotiate this if they have bar pizza). Also, please don't direct me to thriftyhipster.com. So help me God, I'll smite you.

Here's things we like:

2 4 1's

Hetrosexual bartenders (or in the alternative, gay ones that won't sneer at my obvious fashion statements that they would just find themselves a hair hesitant to make).

Music that does not make me faint. Sorry, but it's super embarrassing when it happens. Really.

2 for 1s...

If they occasionally host Irish people who can play Pogues music that I can sing too... bonus points.

That's it. We're not that picky.

And Finally... The Best of 2007

The year was kicked off with my um... GI surgery so really, it was all uphill from there, beginning with:

Best laid turd by stranger
Anonymous, breaking and entering Turd layer (Heather's house) And dude, seriously, I bet you pick up your dog's poop... why not you're own?

Best Deep Thoughts
So do you think that maybe we're not as good looking as we think we are?

Boyfriends (er somthin)
Heather's Mr. Halloween.
The Marshal
Mr. Over-communicator (he was neither Han's or Meyers')

Food:
Cline's wings. God DAMN!

Bar Tenders I love to Hate:
Juell - Stasiu's Place (we love you STASIU's! Just remember I'm under 5 feet tall when divying out shots)

Best Pet
This was really tough, but Max, you really brought the love this year. No pun intended.



Best place to enjoy beverages and the great outdoors:
The Cline's win it again with the 3 Floors of Love. You guys are all over the place.
Second runner up: Club Jaeger's Fire Pit of Goodness. Oh you keep me so warm and campy.

Best Bargains
The Secret Store (The "Sal" or Salvation Army on 10th Ave. And Washington Ave. N.)

Best Plot Gone Awry
Christmas Stalking 2007

Least Visited Homestead
Hanson's Pad (No, not THAT one--geez)

Best Bowling Score
Schwing... 135. Nice! Dudes are probably having a hard time coming onto you with that score, sooo intimidating.

Best Owned Bowling Ball
Hanson's Purple 8.5 lb. Cannon. Good for anything under 59.

Favorite New After-work Spot
ClubJaeger (and their MeatStick Bloody Mary)























Best Bullshit Called
Ed Emerson - - Pwnd!
"D" -- so, what's you're girlfriend's name again?
Tommy K.: Aren't you like married?
The Marshal - So you're engaged to like 3 girls then?

Best Shenanigans leveled abroad
Schwing/Hans Deutschland trip


Best Halloween costume
Monkey! Kim Cline

Birthdays, Sock Mysteries and the Like

It's a new year. I started cleaning. Ok, not so much cleaning as searching desperately for my Knee boots that are STILL missing. Anyhoo... there I was pulling out the bed in the spare room and what to my wondering eyes appear? A nice, girly pair of bootie socks.... with monkeys on them. Monkey puffs on the heel no less. Keep in mind this room was re-done, carpets cleaned etc, shortly before the Marshal violated moved in. One can only speculate that the socks are the remnants of a hasty post-coitus exit whilst I was away from home one day. I have since sanitized cleaned out the remainder of the room.

In other news... here's my annual things I'd like to receive for my birthday List:

1. Log for girls;

2. Paint--3 gallons of it; and last but not least:

3. THESE