Ma, I don't Think a Pretty Dress will Help

Things I love about being a singleton at Christmas.

10. I will be expected to drive all over creation for my lack of procreation.

9. Shoveling the driveway. Don't get me wrong, i like shoveling -- it's the best time to scope out my neighbors husbands and boyfriends.

8. Mom looking at me longingly hoping for offspring, but unwilling to just send me a coupon for the sperm clinic. A mere "I think you might be intimidating to most men" will do. I get it. It's true. Clearly it must be my beauty and intelligence that sends them running, certainly not my sunny disposition. What man doesn't want a girl who drinks to much and calls any woman dressed in Spandex a Pole Dancer... uh, out loud.

7. Trivia games. Sure to end in slammed doors and a few Fuck You's. If you F-ing sing the God Damned Jeopardy tune one more time I swear to Jesus... I'll cut you.

6. Divinity. What is this shit? Does your tongue have to have gone COMPLETELY numb to eat it? NOTHING divine about this "treat."

5. Krumkaka and rosettes. I'm not sure how this torch was passed on to me, but I'm fairly sure it's because my offspring-laden relatives just don't have the time or inclination to spend days on end making these God-Forsaken Holiday treats. I do.

4. Laying in bed Christmas night thinking, if for no other reason, I'm going to at least have to pretend to be married soon enough so I can play the "in-law visit" card. Sorry all, I'll be in Mexico with so and so's family.

3. Over-doing the holiday drinking season: Friends, I know I've been a handful lately, but I have to get it out of my system prior to December 24. Otherwise all that nastiness gets focused on my family and not, say, you and local "dancers." I can apologize and hide out from you guys. Not so with Hansons. Sorry Stasiu's patrons. ;(

2. Post-holiday bra shopping.

1. Wondering what cro-magnan creature I'll be kissing at midnight this year, or who will take the initiative to save me from that indignity once again.

Did I mention I can polka?

Here's me... and Ma, who has the grace to accept the things she cannot change... about me.