At Least You HAVE A Job Blah Blah Blah...

I'm torn between lamenting recent circumstance for the next few paragraphs or worrying I'll be flooded with do-gooders and unemployed hippies telling me that I'm lucky to have a house and food on the table. Fuck you hippies, i need to gripe a bit. Here's my short list:

THE BAD:

I've lost more than half of my retirement. This pushes me back about 20 years worth of hard work. Thanks W.

Wells Fargo would rather take a $140k hit than accept a cash sale on my house-naturally while they're holding their hands out for a stake in the 700 BILLION bailout money. I officially am not going to get a checking account there now, with or without that stupid, free carnival horse stuffed-animal they're giving away.

I'm officially fat. I've never been fat. I'm lazy and I love cheese. I have little nudity cringes now every morning. Ahhh! What is that? oh great, that's MY ass... wonderful. More than that, I have no excuse.

Friday, I'm having another adventure in chick surgery. Nothing screams sexy on a Friday night like a giant maxi pad to sleep on. Thanks, abnormal cells... next time you wanna party, I'm gonna radiate the fuck out of you, sans warning bell.

Ok, so as not to piss off every self righteous, uptown-living neighbor of mine, here's the good.

THE GOOD:

I have a job.

I have a boyfriend who, despite being less than, uh... tidy- has the good sense to afford me some indulgences. For example, when I ask him to hide the cashews from Fatty McFatterson... he'll gladly, without objection, pull them down from their hiding spot for me to snack on. He's a smart man.

I have the coolest new flat. It's not an apartment, it's a flat .. there's nothing "apart" about it. It's small and VERY near everyone. But it's fantastic.

My extra 18 lbs has bestowed me with a boob upgrade. Welcome the 34D's people!

And best of the good ... I have these: