Stuff I Want

The Portable MMPI
This is truly becoming more and more important. Hi, I'm Jessica, if you can just answer these few questions, we can move on and decide whether or not my initial attraction to you is worthy of more time and shenanigans relating to impressing you. I'm sure Blackberry could handle a simple evaluation. I mean, it's kind of like a psychological prophylactic as far as I'm concerned. See, The Marshal.

Cell phones that have a key for fake numbery:
Nothing is worse than being put on the spot with the over-used line: "here, I'll call your cell and then you'll have my number." Right now my only defense against this is something like Okay, brb, i'm just gonna go poop, then i'll be right back.

If I can be a werewolf on Facebook, can't we come up with an application for this? Call it, say ManStop or something?

Because really... NOBODY (sighs) NOBODY that I look at and think to myself... "i'd like to find him in my shower one day" actually wants my number. So know this, if you have to ASK for my number, it's 90/10 that I'm not interested. If I was into you, you'd be out there... ignoring me, leaving me to my skewed dreams of our non-existent sex life. There's little exception.

Does He Know I Exist Detectors:
We can detect any number of minuscule traces of bad air, chemicals, farts, YOU NAME IT... could we not have some sort of wand to detect pheromones emitted from somebody to let me know if they think I'm remotely worth mating with? I have to run around a) assuming you think I'd be okay after a 6 pack or b) shamelessly follow you around like a puppy to get you to uh "notice" me. Jesus... what a racket!